I happen to like David Deida’s writing. A popular author in the sacred sexuality field, Deida has written at least 10 books about the sexual and spiritual relationship between men and women. I used to ask men I dated if they had read, and if not would they please read, Deida’s classic “The Way Of The Superior Man”. I lent it to Ian when we first met, it arrived back in my library when he moved in. Two years into our relationship, he surprised me by claiming that he can’t stand reading Deida. Ian expressed that Deida’s style is more for women, too wordy, and that he doesn’t get to the point quickly as most men would. At first I was insulted by this. I considered that Ian was just not as enlightened as I had thought, and of course David Deida was more so.

But over time, Ian’s perspective became more interesting and resonant with other relationship work on men I was studying. I become more curious as to how other men resonate, or not, with Deida’s work. I realized the only men I knew who were into Deida were men who claimed to be spiritual, and usually Tantric, with very unconventional approaches to life and women. I wonder if the more “normal” men who I have given this book to were put off by it. I become more curious as I continue to study men. I find what Ian describes about how men communicate, and prefer to communicate, short and to the point, is more often true. I affirmed Deida’s “wordiness” as a means to affirm Ian, and to connect with him, not because I find Deida to be too wordy. I like his descriptiveness!

Ian’s response was to summarize (in red) what Deida was trying to say, and then give his own take on this quote:

“If the masculine partner’s presence wavers (if the man does not have his shit together), then the feminine partner loses trust, guards herself emotionally, and can’t enjoy the bliss of opening her body and heart fully as the flow of feminine love (then the woman gets nothing of what she needs).

 If the feminine partner’s radiance diminishes–so that body and heart close, ripples of pleasure decrease, and emotional expression becomes muted (if the woman is not happy)--then the masculine partner is stuck in the realm of head and tail, bereft of full-bodied, heart-given sensual energy, unattracted beyond his own self-controlled detachment or selfish stimulation (then the man is f***ed).

 

UTTER HOGWASH

Basically this goes against what Law of Attraction teaches. A woman’s needs and a man’s needs are their own to fulfill. No one can do this for them.  When you send me something like this, especially from this guy, it reads and drips of “YOU are not doing what I NEED YOU to.”   I can only stand in my own power, and if we match up then so be it.  That is what I can do.  I can be happy.  Whether you are happy does not depend on that.  But if you are happy too, then we will be two happy people who are playing in this universe and co-creating.  But I cannot be held accountable for your happiness.

Here is what I would write, in the style of David Deida;

“If the masculine partner’s presence wavers and his body and heart were weary and bereft of joy then the female partner would recognize his struggle and his difficult journey back to his truth.  If the female partner were to sense the potential loss of her bliss, of opening her body, she would pause and realize her own power and would not lose trust in the face of her masculine partners struggle.  No she would stand guard against her doubt and await the return of her partner.  As she knows he would await hers.”

My response is simply this. Never judge a book by it’s cover. Never consider your man “not awake” or “not spiritual” enough.

My partner often jokes about being “a real man”, verses being a tantra or other spiritual teacher. He digs deep into his own being to find what is true and real. He rejects gurus and spiritual teachers for the most part. Although I have turned him onto the Law of Attraction based Abraham-Hicks offerings, in general I am left on my own to continue my research and exploration of ancient and modern gurus, masters, and philosophers. Deida has been one of them. But nothing is as real, fulfilling or fascinating as the live experience of an intimate relationship to test and grow, evolve and devolve, create and destroy, one’s relation to self, other and existence.

Real man or Spiritual Teacher? I will have both please.

And I do.

Many women come to me wishing they could evolve or vibrationally uplevel their man. “He’s not spiritual enough”, they say. I will use the words of my partner to convey how I really feel…

UTTER HOGWASH!

Even if a man (or any human being!) does not consider themselves “spiritual”, they still are in fact a soul in a body. Spiritualized matter. Spirit in matter. Not just a meat suit, even if they act that way. If a woman feels her partner needs to “wake up” or “become more spiritual”, I would suggest she not give him David Deida books to read (let him find them on his own if they interest him!), or try to force feed him anything spiritual at all, but simply stop judging her partner and start paying attention to where she needs to grow, evolve and allow her own femininity to be filled up and generously overflowing, rather than contracting in external judgements that are often unfounded and typically just that, judgements.

If you feel your partner is not awake or spiritual enough, is that really what’s going on? You’ve suddenly become the superior spiritual being? Or are some of your needs not being met or communicated, and instead you have summed them up in a label of resentment that “he is not conscious enough”. Is he breathing? Then he is a conscious sentient being. Trust if you get your shit together, by taking care of your shit/needs/pleasure more often, he may really surprise you by being a whole lot more “awake” then you have imagined.

Your thoughts? Please leave comments below! And don’t forget to SHARE please, too!

XO!

Sacha

P.S At Sacred Temple Arts, you don’t have to be spiritual at all to get the Best Sex & Love Life you want! We teach and coach to your level of desire on what you wish to learn and experience. Because, it’s all spiritual to us. We don’t have to categorize or use “sacred” language or concepts or experiences over the “profane”, it’s all the same to us. Spirit and Matter. Sex and Spirit. 🙂 So go ahead and bring your muggle partner along with you to your session. You won’t regret it and you will probably have less resentment and judgement and desire for them to change by the end of it.

P.P.S I used to believe I could only partner with a Tantra man. Then I decided it was better to teach a normal man Tantra. Now, I find that most men are capable and willing to engage with life and sex tantrically, just take away the labels first.