I did not want to be single when I turned 40. I wanted to be married, and experiencing my Best Sex and Love Life ever! It turned out I was not with the right partner for that. Now I must trust – as the spiritually aligned, aware, and conscious being I AM – that the Universe has better plans for how my dreams will come true. In the meantime, my focus is on…
How can I have my Best Sex & Love Life now that I am single, again?
Side note: I don’t like the term “single”. We are never actually “single”. It is impossible to be “single” when we are one consciousness breathing and existing. It is impossible to be “single” when you are interconnected with everyone and everything.
It’s easy to feel alone when you’re not in an intimate relationship. It can feel like a massive life crisis for many of us who desire a healthy loving partnership above all else.
Being so-called “single” again is super challenging for me. I spent the majority of my adult life living alone, not in a committed relationship. I had great adventures! I enjoyed many aspects of that experience, and I yearned to be really met, loved, and seen by a partner. I did a ton of healing, study and training, to get to a place where I could live with a man, in what I had hoped was true partnership.
Time again to heal. My heart feels like it is literally being squeezed, ready to burst in pain. My anxiety over the sense of what feels like abandonment and betrayal, runs oh so very deep. It shut my energy, and therefore my orgasm, down! I say feels like abandonment and betrayal because there is no logic in this emotional experience for me. Each partner always has their own story of what took place, based on what they determined actually happened. It’s never really about that. Each person’s so-called facts matter little when it comes to matters of the heart and soul. I feel betrayed, abandoned, devastated. This is what is true for me right now. I have felt this too many times before. Starting as a baby in my crib, with a mother who claims she knew what she was doing, but my somatic memories tell me otherwise.
Another opportunity to heal my childhood, and past lives, wounds that have again impacted my adulthood, seriously impacted my joy, and my relationships, and financial stability. Good thing I am aware enough to ask for help, and to gather support in: from Goddess sisters, coaches, other healers, friends, and above all else, my Source, which includes: my massive spiritual team, even legions, of angels, masters, guides, devas, Gods, Goddesses, ancestors, spirit animals, plant spirits, crystal allies and so forth.
Breakups can feel like they have surely destroyed your very soul.
In that level of darkness, it is important to allow for the pain and grief, while also having faith. Faith that the Universe is simply clearing what is no longer serving you for something better, something so much freaking better!
I know it is almost impossible to believe, and see that in one’s darkest hour, but eventually the light will come in again, a new dawn. “Trust is the opposite of betrayal”, my empowerment coach said. (Check out Kornelia Dengel’s Blog: What is the Power of the Word “Trust”?) To take back and restore my power, I must focus on trust now. Trust in myself, my power, and most importantly Source, or God, or whatever you want to call the divine, or higher power.
Once through the part of the dark night of the soul after a relationship ends, once through most of the grief, anger, rage, upheaval, instability… whatever feelings and experiences come up that need processing, finally it is time for the understanding and acceptance. Why, and how, and for what possible god-for-saken reasons that so and so could do this to me? That this shit could happen to me (again)? I am going to just say it outright, it is because WE CREATE OUR OWN REALITY. It’s that simple. No one in the end is to blame for any of it. I know it can seem safer, and way more rational and justified, to stay in the victim paradigm. I also know that being in victim mode is what has wreaked more havoc on my life than anything else.
I create my reality.
I created all of this, the relationship, the good the bad the worse, the breakup, and the pain I am in, as a result. It triggered all of my past trauma that was similar, and my world came crashing down. I was once again forced to go only one place, inside myself, for my healing, and to recover and expand my power. I enlisted all the help I could get along the way for this. I am appreciating that I created receiving so much help, internal and external, from those who really do love me unconditionally. I can be vulnerable and authentic in asking for help. I recognize I can only be helped as far as I will help myself, per usual.
It is my choice to decide if I want to stay in the self inflicted prison of pain, powerlessness, and victimhood, or if I am ready to walk my talk again and go for my dream… my Best Sex & Love Life Ever!
So what choice are you making for yourself? Do you choose to stay in a bad place, or will you choose to create your Best Sex & Love Life ever?!
- Make Room. Cut Any Cords Left from your exes, from your life, and your body. Visualize all cords to your exes, and release all energetic ties to them. Especially focus on clearing, and reclaiming, your heart and genitals. Clear the ex’s energy from you home, and release any of their stuff. Let go of pictures and memorabilia. If your ex and you had an amicable parting, and are still friends, then you may not need to take this step to an extreme if that person is still in your life in a good way. But be sure you make all the room needed for the new partner you deserve and desire, in your body, heart, psyche, home and life.
- Ignore All Outside Triggers from others who are in a relationship and/or act like there is something wrong with you for not being in one. Our culture and society is inherently biased towards those who are single. Single is not abnormal, and it is indeed a choice, even if we don’t want to believe it is. It is our souls choice, for the time being.
- Do What Feels Best. Choose Pleasure! Listen inward and make choices based on what your intuition tells you is best for you. Eat the dessert if it’s a positive resounding hell YES! Leave guilt and judgement out of it. Just enjoy the delicious dessert, or whatever it is you are desiring.
- Relax Into Your Body. Love It in all ways, all parts. Come to terms with accepting yourself as you are, and trusting you are in fact lovable, just as is. Get help if you need to work through self-esteem or body confidence issues, blockages or trauma. (I recommend embodied movement specialist Jessie Lucas). You gotta love your own body not just for your health, but to have healthy sexually fulfilling relationships, too. Take this time to do the work you need to (and it is never about just going got the gym) to truly become embodied through accepting and owning, and yes loving, your body, as it is right now. You can also take steps to create more of what you want in terms of changing your body, but you must accept and love it as is to get to the place where that will really work in your favor.
- Decide That You Will Enjoy Your Life No Matter What. Think how many people in relationships are miserable, and wish they had the freedom and opportunities that you do right now?
- Extraordinary Self Care that needs to include all parts of you, your physical, emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual and sexual well being. Anything and everything self care! Self care that works for you, whatever that looks like.
- Self Pleasure (masturbation) Is A Must. If you don’t use it, you will lose it. Nothing is sexier than the inner glow of someone who is naturally turned on. Although most of us turn off for some amount of time after a break up, it is essential to get yourself turned on again, to get your sexual energy/life force flowing again. It is your greatest untapped resource for healing. Make it a daily practice, and focus your attention on spreading the energy throughout your body. You can even call in the spirit/soul of your new partner to participate. Trust me, spirit sex is GREAT!!! Try it. If you can’t imagine calling in a new partner, then call in a God or Goddess, whatever energies suit your fancy. Generally for men and women who are willing to really commit to trying this, it is way better than porn.
- Get Touch! Safe healing non-sexual touch through healing energy/bodywork sessions and/or massage. Or sexual healing touch. I used to go out and hook up with people for this. These days there are even more ways to hook up with someone with no attachments. Just be sure to be safe. It is too easy to make a mistake after heartache, or when you are simply starving for the basic human need of physical touch and connection. Don’t end up with a bigger problem. I personally recommend receiving one way sexual healing touch. This could be through a sacred spot sexual healing session, or erotic massage, from a professional in the sexuality field. Lucky me, I have colleagues who provide me with these! Or find a trusted friend that is willing to learn how, and to offer this healing session work to you as needed. You can learn a lot online about both sacred spot and erotic massage. Sacred spot is also a solo practice you should learn and incorporate into your personal self-pleasure healing practice. There is also the practice of Orgasmic Meditation, or OM (https://onetaste.us/om-guide). It is a safe sexual consciousness meditation practice, that involves clitoral stroking, and provides connection and touch within a strong container. Finding cuddle buddies is another alternative. The concept of “friends with benefits” doesn’t have to include sex. And there are even professional cuddle buddies for hire now too! (I haven’t tried a professional cuddle buddy service, so I can’t say I recommend it. I am currently investigating more on this topic. I plan to write a blog about it, and I may possibly include cuddling as part of my services.) The healing power of touch can not be over emphasized. Most of us desperately need more touch in our lives, and there are more ways now you can safely get it, without it being from one particular partner you are in relationship with.
- Find Your Tribe and Connect. Create a posse of those people who you can connect with unconditionally. Those who accept you as you are, and where you are at, right now. If you don’t have friends or family like this, if need be hire coaches and other self-help and development specialists who can support you through this and any crisis, and who will even help you to manifest your new tribe.
- Speed Up The Process (if You Wish) With (Sex) Magic Rituals, Law of Attraction Practices, &/or Meditation & Visualization Skills! I teach all of these, and these are my main practices for healing and transforming myself. My MAIN practices. Miracles happen with these practices. Your life changes and evolves exponentially. Try for yourself and see.
- Get Help. Really, in whatever form feels best to you, asking friends or hiring whoever you need, or through mindfulness practices, prayer, meditation, sexual healing whatever way you need to minister to you. You are not single. You do not need to be alone. There are others to help you, always, and there is always your best resource, your higher power that is always there for you no matter what.
- Trust. You can and will heal from past relationship wounding. You can and will create a better to best sex and love life. As you imagine and desire it, trust it will be even greater! You will only be single forever if you want to be. With the above practices, it will be no time at all until you are cuddling on the couch with your lover, momentarily thinking about how much you miss when you and your cat had so much more room together.
- Put Your Power Into It. Use your sexual energy and your new found wisdom and your reclaimed power, from any past relationships and experiences, to feel into what your next partnership or sexual experience you desire will be like. Use your emotions, your feelings, to create your desires coming true. Get turned on to what you want, and let go of the rest. Your power is in the eternal NOW.